July 17, 2003 - 10:10 p.m.
Not a whole lot to say today. I feel kind of blah right now. Not an overall feeling, just a hint of blah-ness. I'm really psyched that I'll be seeing my sister and her kids in a few days and all, but aside from that, I'm not exactly over the moon about anything right now. I think alot of it has to do with something I was thinking about today. When I was a child, I was really smart. I mean we're talking reading at age three smart, and not just Golden Books...newspapers, my older sister's school books, anything I could get my hands on...out loud. I had an amazing vocabulary. I was in the gifted program until junior high, and at that point I only quit the program because it bored me. By the time I hit high school, I was still a pretty bright girl, I was just lazy and was too busy having sex and doing drugs to worry about living up tp my full potential. I did enjoy all my english classes though, and I did really well in them because I used to LOVE to write, and I could write really well. I don't know what happened between high school and now (maybe the drugs, eh? lol), but I don't feel very smart anymore. I would love to write again. To just sit and let emotion spew out of a pen at a hundred miles an hour like it used to, but for some reason it just doesn't come to me anymore. It's a sad feeling. I told Daniel that it feels like now that I'm a grown-up, I finally caught up to the uber-intelligence that seemed to amaze everyone when I was young, and that I'm "full". Like I'm no longer capable of getting any smarter than I already am. Weird. He said that maybe I should try writing more often, that maybe if I gave it a chance, it would come back to me again. It's hard to describe what "it" is exactly. "It" was a feeling I used to have when I wrote. When I wrote, I felt excited. I felt powerful, as if I was opening some massive gate and flooding the paper with my words. I felt like I had acheived some great victory when I was finished. I want to feel that way again.
Aren't we just lovely?